Thing's been goin smooth, my apologies to any fans out there keepin track of this shit, yeah right, who does that? =3

    Today is New Years Eve and last night and this morning, Caitlin broke up with me. The final break up happened. The final break up, what I never thought could happen, happened. She's actually going through with this. I thought we would resolve this or she would call me back this morning and we would resolve this like we usually do, but she's going through with it this time. I'm kind of shaky right now because I feel like I have another shot at this. I got ready, got my bath, washed my hair, brushed my teeth, put clean clothes on and got my stuff ready to go over Caitlin's uninvited, which I technically was invited but she doesn't want me to come over anymore. This could turn out really good or really bad. I'm voting for really good. I'm hoping for the best and I hope that she didn't tell her parents to not let me in if I try to come over without her knowing. I'm going over at 1:30pm. That's a half an hour. I have time to think about what I'm going to do when I get there, how I'm going to react to anything that might happen and what I'm going to do to save our relationship. I love you, Caitlin.

    Today I had enough with everybody's shit down at Paps. I got all my clothes, bagged them. My PS2 and games, bagged them, my computer, bagged them, and some other junk, bagged them. I was sick of putting up with everybody's shit about me and Caitlin and about us being on the phone so much. I snapped on Josh and he wasn't even the one being the worst to me. Jason and Liz were the meanest. Josh was being an idiot with his pants pulled way up and I said get away from me and he wouldn't so I go up and hooked him nearly as hard as I could in the leg and shoulder. He got pissed off and put his fist in my face and said some things to me. He said to punch him in the face like a tough man and he'd put me through the wall. I calmed down a little bit then. Josh took Jason to work. Pap was gone. It was just me, Liz and Stacie. Liz and Stacie were downstairs watching T.V. in the living room. I got all my stuff bagged up and ready. I called Face. Face arrived. There were some words between Face and Liz. Face and I took all of my stuff to Faces Car and we left. I left my pennies on the cabinet though. My jar of pennies.
    While typing this at 1:06pm on New Years Eve, which is the real time, I got a call from Pap. He and Josh want me to come back down and live with them again because of the stink. I'll have to think about that.

    Today was Christmas... I'm not gonna lie to you, today wasn't Christmas, it's 2 days after Christmas, December 27, 2007, 2:29am, I just reedited the date and time. Anyway, here's what happened on Christmas.
    When Caitlin, Face and I arrived home, Tom and Matt were waiting for us on their porch, next door. They came over, we hung out in the living room for an hour with Caitlin, ate some cookies, played with Calypso and Lucky and stuff. Tom decides to run over to his house and bring over a movie, Alvin and the Chipmunks. Caitlin doesn't want to watch it with us, so she decides to go to bed. I haven't hung out with Matt and Tom in a while so I wanted to watch the movie with them. We watched Alvin and the Chipmunks while Tom was catching the tiny moths in my living room and eating them and washing them down with Coke. After the movie, we all got up, said our Merry Christmases and our goodbyes and our handshakes and went our ways. We never got around to watching Hot Fuzz or whatever that movie was called...
    I made my way upstairs followed by my way downstairs to Faces car for something he needed then back upstairs for Caitlin's ring. I snatched it and made my way to my room where I quietly walked in and placed the ring on the floor beside my bed and gently laid down next to Caitlin on my bed. She woke up and got upset because "You'd rather watch a movie than spend time with me". I told her that I didn't hang out with Matt and Tom in a while so I wanted to do that, and especially since it was Christmas. She responded with a "Well since it was Christmas, you should've spent it with me instead". I didn't know what to say. She started crying. She wanted to break up with me. She wanted to break up with me on Christmas, the day I've been waiting for since even before I got her the beautiful ring she loved so much. She wanted to break up with me before the day even started. I started crying. We calmed down and I fell back asleep.
    I woke up around 10:00am. There was strong sunlight pouring into my room on the other side of Caitlin and some coming on the floor at the bottom of my bed. For some reason I love it when the sunlight pours into my room like that. I love it. Since the situation, I couldn't love it. I looked at Caitlin as she lay there half asleep. I told her "We may be broken up but I still want you to have this". I lay on her stomach for a few minutes. I got the ring from beside my bed. I handed it to her. She didn't want it. I felt something. Something bad. Something horrible. I put so much meaning into that ring and she didn't even want it, didn't even want to look at it, didn't even want to have anything to do with it. It hurt me. It hurt me bad. I insisted on giving it to her, whether or not she wanted it. Just something so that if we actually did break up for good this time, I wouldn't have to look at it or ever wish that I would have given it to her.Eventually, she took it. She unwrapped it. She opened it. She looked at it. She started crying. I loved that. She loved the ring. I loved her. She loved me. Face called us. We got up and went down Paps.
    Caitlin, Face and I walked into the house. I lay the gifts I was carrying down and I went for the bathroom. I came back down and headed for the living room where we traditionally open our gifts at Paps. I got 100$ from Pap, a Salad Fingers shirt and a Mario with Leaf shirt and a 50$ gift card for GameStop from Jason and Liz, a Grim Reaper hoodie and a dragon hoodie and a Nike hoodie and a retarded Taz soup bowl and a CD player from Face. Caitlin and I went upstairs and played Bomberman 2 and Tetris Attack for a little bit and Face took Caitlin and I home so that I could get a bath. I got my bath and came back into my room to see Caitlin staring at the gerbils. We played with them for a bit, Caitlin said she wanted a baby black one, but I don't think they're ready to be separated from their mom yet. We left and went over Caitlin's house.
    Over Caitlin's, the food was cooking and the house was as hot as fuck. We sat down in the living room and opened our gifts. I got 20$ and a new chain and a Nike shirt from Caitlin, and an ultra fuzzy blanket from Caitlin's grandma, gift(s) from Caitlin's mom are still on hold. Thanks for the gifts, Caitlin. I love them.
    [Incomplete]

    Well, as I was going to create this entry, Caitlin messaged me on AIM to call her. I called her. She wanted to break up again... I was going to post how happy I was but what's the sense in that when everything I was happy for was taken away again?
    I went down to the living room and told her to go back out with me because we love each other. She said no. I told her I would never give up on her. She said no. I told her she's the perfect girl for me, we have so much in common and I would go through this every day if it ensured me still being with her. She said no.
    After a long, cry-filled talk, she said yes. I thanked her. I love her so much...
    I knew if I didn't get back with her I wouldn't be able to get any sleep, so I tried and tried and tried and succeeded. But only because she gave in. You won't regret it. I promise. I can get some sleep now.
     I leave my thoughts with this computer knowing that things are well once more. 

    I got on the bus, as depressed and upset as I quite possibly ever was. My mind was "boggled", as I kept thinking to myself, with so many random things and thoughts, memories and just plain out... shit. Here's what boggled my mind: The "Ask a Ninja" theme song, the snowball battle that Caitlin, Randy, David and I had last night on Runescape, wrecking my bus with my mind so that I could somehow manage to get out and run to Caitlin's house to see her, and a phrase ran through my head:

"Warm and not shivering anymore"

It just seemed that, at the time, that something attempted preventing me from thinking about what I wanted to think about. Caitlin.
    I got to school, still depressed and upset as I quite possibly ever was. I regained control of my mind, I could think about Caitlin again. I was walking down the hall and before I got to homeroom, I thought:

"Should I not give a fuck anymore about continuing what seems like an endless attempt to reach happiness? Will I even truly be happy again? What do I do? What do I do?!"

To this very second I don't know why that ran through my head. I made a promise not only to Caitlin, but to myself as well, and I may have broken the other promises I made, but I will not, under any circumstances, break this one. I am dead set on this one. When I got to homeroom, Bunyan wasn't there, as usual. Then Bunyan came and let us in. I took down 3 stools off the table, where Caitlin, Randy and I usually sit, got the two chairs that Caitlin and I always sit on, sat them down, I sat down, got the notebook that I stole out and began writing what you're reading right now. I thought:

"Now that Caitlin's gone, does Randy become my enemy?"

Not knowing why this too ran through my head. I guess it's because I thought Caitlin would try to get with Randy, now that we aren't going out anymore. Randy doesn't become my enemy under any circumstance, unless he steals Caitlin off me while we're going out or rapes her or does something to me. I shouldn't have included Randy in this, sorry man, if you're reading this. I thought:

"What will I do when/if she comes? Will she ask me out again? Will she ask me out again on paper? What will I say?"

I didn't want to cry. I tried not to. I didn't. With every set of footsteps that approached me, my heart races, thinking/hoping it was Caitlin or Randy, just someone to comfort me.

1st Period:

    The bell rang. Neither of them came. I felt so alone. I know once the bell rings, and Randy isn't in his seat or with me in the halls, he isn't coming. I didn't think Caitlin would come either after last night. I thought:

"They had this planned?!"
"She's going to get kicked out of school and fuck the rest of her life up."
"What are they doing while I'm here alone?!"
"She said she couldn't love Randy more than a friend... was she lieing!?"

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I thought:

"Does she even want the ring? Does she deserve it? Will it change anything if I give it to her? $145.00 down the drain for absolutely nothing?"

What was I thinking? She made me the happiest I have ever been, of course she deserves it and of course it will change things and if it doesn't, I'll still love her, after all, it's only money. I thought:

"What about Prom?"

I cried. I cried only a few tears but I cried. I thought:

"Should I go over her house even though we aren't going out?"

I knew her mom wouldn't care, she loves me. I thought:

"How will we still be friends knowing that we were once more?"
"I want to die."
"Am I going to puke?"

I couldn't get the "Loneliest Day of My Life" song out of my head. It finally hit me, I thought:

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT'S HAPPENED!!!"

It reminded me of "British Punch" on Break.com, I cracked up a little bit, but went back to being depressed and upset. Everything reminded me of Caitlin, footsteps, the sounds of things being set on the table, Mrs. Bunyan's phone, the intercom, while all this time, hoping that one would mean Caitlin would be there or come in late. I thought:

"I put so much into our relationship- time, money, effort, love- and for what?"
"I can't quit now, I can't! I won't, ever, I'll never quit!"
"How could a gift such as life, the most beloved gift of existence itself become unwanted  upon any living organism?"

I had mad mood swings. I thought:

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!11111111"

Random songs ran thought my thoughts. I thought:

"My backs crackin', and I don't think I'll ever feel the same again."
"I think it's over."
"Closed notebook."
"Does my palm run in reverse?"

Although I didn't close my notebook until after I wrote "Does my palm run in reverse?", I kept writing my thoughts in it every period.

2nd Period:

    The bell rang. I walked out of class and into the hall and proceeded towards 2nd period. I heard a faint "Justin". Honestly, I had absolutely no idea it could've been. I didn't think it would be Caitlin because what are the odds of being right at 1st periods door when the bell rings for 2nd period. It's like she was waiting for me. I turned around, and there Caitlin was. I was overwhelmed with happiness, and overwhelmed with tears, I almost started crying right there in the middle of the hallway, but I didn't. I can't believe I didn't. I'm glad I didn't. We walked together, like we usually did back when we were going out. I had to decided whether or not I would go to 2nd Period and ignore her or go with her to the spot where we talked and hugged and kissed and swapped notes. I went with her. I'm glad I did. We stopped at our spot, I couldn't even look her in the eyes, I was so upset. I hugged her. I almost cried again. I hugged her tight. She tried to kiss me. I refused. I wish I didn't. She tried to kiss me again. I refused again. I wish I didn't again. She tried to kiss me again. I refused again. I wish I didn't again. She asked me why I didn't kiss her. I said because we weren't going out.
    I was mostly distracted by "Deck the Halls" in 2nd Period. I didn't get much thinking done because of Louie and that other kid not leaving me alone while I had my head down, concerned Timmy, and the distracting movie.

3rd Period:

    The bell rang. I went to meet Caitlin at our spot again, as usual. When I got there and waited, Caitlin walked right passed me without even looking at me. I was already upset, it didn't make me feel any worse. I started feeling "Cold and alone" again.
    I walked into class, Dan, as he sometimes does, is walking towards me as I walk into the room, like he has X-Justin vision or something and can see me through the walls, and says his usual greeting, "Sup" or "Yo". I gave him the bandanna he wanted, after seeing mine the other day, still not saying a word to him because of my depression. He asked what was wrong, I said "Nothing" then sat down. I put my head in my arms and sat there. I got at least 5 hours of sleep, but since it didn't seem like it, I continually switched positions in my chair. I switched between having my head in my arms on the desk, laying down in my chair and sitting normally. Dan kept looking back at me without saying anything and Matt occasionally said something about me, not something bad, just a joke. "Hey Stillwagon, did you turn this in?", He was talking about the ridiculously long worksheet we got that I didn't even do. I nodded my head and crumbled it up.

11th Period:

    The bell rang. I threw the worksheet away on my way out. I was so caught up in meeting Caitlin that I went to Caitlin's Period 4/5 class, forgetting it was Period 11 because we were running on B Schedule because of the one hour early dismissal. When I got there, I went down the hall that she takes but still didn't see her. I went back to her Period 4/5 class and asked the teacher if Caitlin is there (she doesn't mind if I go in), she said that Caitlin isn't there that period. I went back to the direction of her Period 11 and still didn't see her. She must've gotten passed me somehow or went around. I thought:

"Did she go home?"
"I miss her."
"I love her."

    I went in the back of the Lab to see how my project was doing. My construction paper covered in food coloring and dipped in a petre dish of chemicals had some decent crystals growing on them. Nowhere near what I wanted, nowhere near that other project on our table (you can barely even see the construction paper tree), but still some crystals.
    I sat in my seat and was listening to all of the conversations going on, one caught my attention. Mrs. Swartz and some of the girl students were talking about ear infections. My ear is swollen, it has been for a few days now, and I didn't tell anybody until today. I decided to but in and say my ear is swollen on the inside. Swartz told me to go to the nurse and see if there was anything wrong. I went and she said that it may be a pimple or white head. She cleaned it with a cue tip with peroxide and told me to help myself to a candy cane. I went back to class and sat there and watched Swartz and one of the girl students play a game on the marker board. The name of the game was to draw straight lines and if you make a box, write your first initial in it. The person with the most initial-filled boxes wins. They actually saved that game to finish it another period. Lol.

Period 4/5:

    The bell rang. I went to my locker and headed for my class and Caitlin caught me and we walked to the doors that lead to the breezeway and talked and hugged. She tried to kiss me. I refused. I wish I didn't. She gave me a note. We went to our class.
    I read the note immediately. It had a greatly drawn picture of me and her (as usual) hugging. It said "I love you". I love you too, Caitlin. I love that picture too. So... still feeling cold and alone, I drew a picture of my own. It took me a while to get the head right. I had to keep looking at the picture she drew. I finally got it right and took off with it. It was me standing in the middle of Antarctica on a breaking sheet of ice with a lonely tree in the distance behind me. Trees don't really exist in Antarctica, but it seemed appropriate. At the bottom I wrote "Cold and Alone". I tried drawling another picture, a sequel to "Cold and Alone", a picture of me falling into the ice, grabbing towards the camera but it didn't work.

Period 6:

    The bell rang. Not our bell, the Period 6/7 late bell (1 bell before our bell), so we got out early because our teacher was confused. I went to my locker and headed towards Caitlin's Period 4/5 class again. The bell rang when I was half way there and I met Caitlin in the hall. We walked back to my locker. I hugged her. She gave me yet another greatly drawn picture of us, this time in wedding uniforms about to kiss. I love that picture too. I can't possibly ever get sick of her pictures. She tried to kiss me. I kissed her. I'm glad I did. I gave her my picture. She asked if I wanted her to skip to my Period 6 Lunch because she thought she had a sub. I didn't want her to. I was still feeling upset and I didn't want her to take the chance of getting caught and in trouble and getting expelled. We went to our classes.
    I sat down at Lunch, read the beautiful Christmas card she made for me and wrote in my temporary journal. I ate lunch, 1 single tiny candy cane that I got from the nurse. When Timmy, Joe and Shelby arrived, Joe and Shelby immediately got into an argument or were already in one. Shelby put her head down and started crying. I felt bad knowing Joe and I are kind of similar and Caitlin and Shelby are kind of similar. We all go through the same problems but in a different way. Shelby gout up and walked out of the cafeteria. Joe got up and walked over to Shelby's mom, the lunch lady, and talked with her for a little bit. Timmy got up and went to the office for something. Joe returned and was talking to me about Shelby. He said he really does love her but if it wasn't meant to be, then fuck it.

Period 7/8:

    The bell rang. I went with Timmy, Joe and Shelby to their lockers like I always do to chill and chat, then I went to class.
    I decided to get a hall pass, saying I was going to the bathroom, when I was really going to see Caitlin when she went to her class. I seen her. I stepped out from behind this kid going up the stairs and I seemed to have caught her off-guard. I was happy to see her. We stood outside of her class for a few minutes, with the other people that were standing around for some reason. She held my hand. I loved it. She told me to kiss her, she had to figure out something. I kissed her. I loved it too. I kissed her again and we went to our classes. I sat in my class and wrote in my temp journal.

    Period 9/10:

    The bell rang. I went to the band room bathroom and waited for the bell to ring again.

    Period 10: LOL

    The bell rang. I went out of the bathroom to meet Caitlin and I skipped to her Period 10 Lunch just as she asked me to. I'm glad I did.
    We sat next to each other after Caitlin told me to sit next to her. I loved sitting beside her. She held my hand (when I let her, and even when I didn't), she held me, she talked to me. I loved that, all of it. I may have been upset and refused to allow some of it, but I loved it. I promise. After making friends with all the noobs at the table, and a short talk with Caitlin, we were going back out, and I felt so happy again, and still do. I'm so happy. I love you, Caitlin. Thank you for giving me this happiness. Thank you. We stood up, hugged and kissed a few times and waited near the door, waiting for the bell.

    Bus:

    The bell rang. Caitlin and I walked out holding hands. Of course Mr. Wilson had to try to ruin it by saying "C'mon, get to your bus, none of that kissy stuff...", but I think he knew I was skipping and that was a consequence of it.

    Thank you, Caitlin. I love you, and I have, and always will, it will never ever change, I will marry you, we will live our lives happily with each other, I will have kids with you, and we will die together, with you in my arms. I love you. I promise to all of that. Thank you for what you have done.

    I leave my thoughts with this computer knowing that things will be well once more.

School, I wonder how this will go.. still cold and shivering.

It feels like I got 1 hour of sleep. I dreamt about Caitlin... me and Caitlin on Runescape, Caitlin acting so normal like this doesn't affect her at all... going on with usual conversations like we never even went out, and none... none of this ever happened... I feel so cold and alone... I continually shiver even though it's warm in my house... I ask myself... "Will things ever be fixed? Will I always feel like this? How long will it take? I will always miss her..."

    I didn't go to school today because my stomach was still huring from last night, when I was over Caitlins, probably from that strawberry ice cream thing we ate, we felt sick shortly after we ate it and both of us took a shit, but that didn't help my stomach any. I woke up at 6:30am, called Caitlin, she said she didn't get any sleep last night and wasn't going to school as a result. I was mad, but in a way I wasn't. We said we loved each other.. so much.. and promised.. and got off the phone and I went down Paps, where I went to sleep.
    I woke up at noon-ish and Pap had som soup cooking, I went upstairs to log on AIM, put an away message up and get my Pepsi to find Caitlin on, and not in school as she said. She said she told me she wasn't going to school but I don't remember or didn't believe her, I forget which. I messaged her, then said brb, ate some soup then returned to talk and get on Runescape. We talked and played until about 3 when I called her and we got into an arguement, she wanted to break up, again. I got pissed off and got off the phone. While I thought about things (hardly, cause my answer won't change no matter what), I appealed for Psychonuts unban and did the Christmas mini-quest on Luniticnut. After about 2 hours of Runescape, Caitlin messaged me on AIM for Randys name on Frugooscape. So, I got on Frugooscape and we had some fun on there, and we were both happy again. I was happy because I thought we were becoming close again. We weren't. We played until I ate, and after I ate, I called her. We talked and cried, she said she broke up with me because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. But I'll tell everyone that reads this (probably nobody except me and Caitlin) that going through the pain of breaking up is 100 times worth being with her. In other words, going through the pain of breaking up is worth being with her. I would go through that pain every day if it ensured us being together, happily until the time of the day when we break up. Eventually, we got back on Runescape with Randy and had some more fun, me still thinking we would become closer. We weren't. We said we loved each other and got off the phone and I went home.
    When I got there and called Caitlin, she was in the shower, so I took a bath and she called back right when I got done. Then we talked for a little bit and I decided to try to make Face happy by putting the tree up, he said he wouldn't help me, but he did. Then, he said Pap had a fiber optic tree he wanted to give us, so I got on AIM, told Caitlin we were going down Paps to pick it up. Face and I left and returned. We started putting the tre up and it was 4 feet tall so we took it back down and said forget it. I got back on AIM and told Caitlin I was back, she said she didn't care, called me gay and said Randy was doing the Armageddon. I actually got hurt by that, thinking she meant it and in some way was becoming closer with Randy. I told her good night and signed off without giving her the chance to respond. She called me seconds after. She asked me what was wrong and I told her. Then I ate a sloppy joe and I got on Runescape and had some more fun with Caitlin and Randy. I was happy because I thought we were becoming close again. We weren't. We got off Runescape and talked on the phone. She said she would think about things if I would think about things but her decision is pretty much set, to remain broken up, as is mine, to never give up on her. I cried. We said we loved each other. We got off the phone and I made a new account on Livejournal and as I write this, I can't help but think what is going through her head and hope that it's to be my girlfriend again and make me happy once more even if there are consequences, it is worth it, and if we're together as long as marriage goes, we will get her help and we will fix her.
    I leave my thoughts upon this computer, hoping things will be well once more.